To my soon to be biggest boy…

I’ve not written in a while. More than a while. It’s not that I haven’t had things to write about, I have had so much to write about. I guess when we entered into toddler territory life became even more chaotic, more busy than ever – an exciting whirlwind full of speech, expression, poop (a favourite topic of discussion in our house), food fussiness, imaginative play. And, to be honest by the time we finally manage to get our little one to bed I usually want to just plonk myself on the sofa and watch Gilmore Girls.
So much has happened since I last wrote. We got a wonderful surprise at Christmas when we found out we were expecting our second bundle of beauty, chaos and love.
We were very excited but also fairly shocked – We have now made the decision that in future we probably should avoid eye contact as we seem to get pregnant so quickly. We are lucky, very lucky, we know that and believe me my heart aches for those who aren’t as fortunate as ourselves.
We told our little boy about the pregnancy from the very beginning, he was too young to understand but I needed to be as open as possible with him and myself, knowing that in a few months time my littlest boy will no longer be that. He will be a big brother, he will have a new role, and he will no longer be the only sweet child that has my heart. My own heart aches, it longs to hold onto the moments that it is just me and him. When I lay down next to him in bed and he strokes my face and continuously says ‘I luff you mummy’ on repeat. When he cries my name at night, when he just wants me, all of me, when he holds me so close that sometimes I feel he is protecting me rather than me protecting him. My heart aches for him because he doesn’t fully understand what is coming. At the same time, my heart has already expanded, it’s already so full of love for our new littlest one and I know that our soon to be biggest one will be a wonderful, caring and doting big brother. He already sings to baby, kisses bump and gives bump his most loved toys.
I have so many emotions running around, they’ve become more prominent in the last few weeks and now we are on the home stretch and the fog feels heavier, my heart strings pulled, my eyes welling, but not just for what I feel I want to hold onto but for the new adventures that are coming.

To my soon to be biggest boy,

A big change is coming, but it’s such a wonderful gift and we know you got this.
Mummy told you eight months ago that you were going to get a baby. That this baby was going to be so special and that he would love you so much. That you would have a playmate, a sidekick, a best friend.
Eight months has gone so fast and in that time you have gone from being a cheeky, babbling 20 month old to an intelligent, confident, understanding 2.3 year old. I look at you in awe, you often leave me speechless with your understanding of what is happening around you and the stories you make up and the questions you ask. You are beautiful, fully, inside and out. I sat on the end of your bed last night just starring at you, taking in and trying to process how me and your daddy made you so right.
We are lucky.
When you were born our lives changed forever, we were suddenly hit with responsibility, decision making, our freedom had been stripped away, but that seems minimal in comparison to the love that you brought with you. The love that filled our hearts so much, a love that is incomparable to anything else I have felt before.
All our lives are soon to change again. In just 5 tender weeks, you won’t be the littlest one anymore, you are going to be the biggest boy, and you are going to have a sweet baby brother. Your eyes light up when you see babies, you have so much love in your heart that it makes me feel slightly overwhelmed. You give up your toys at playgroup if somebody demands something that you have, you get concerned if another child is crying, you try and hold back the tears if somebody takes the car you were driving as you left it for just a few seconds to get an animal to drive in it with you. You don’t scream, you don’t demand, you have a cuddle and you find something else to play with. Don’t get me wrong, you have a wild streak, you can be a whirlwind but you usually save that side for us. You are so incredibly strong willed but you are so incredibly gentle and thoughtful. You are an abundance of traits that make me so incredibly proud.
I want you to know that my hand will always be free to hold yours.
We will however need to work together to make a new routine, we will need to adjust, we will need to be more understanding than ever, we will need to take time to learn to grow again as a new family of four.
I know that there are going to be really difficult days, days when you want just mummy, when we play fire engines and when we splatter paint all over the kitchen and draw on each other’s faces, when we build towers, when we throw tea parties for the animals, when you just want me. All of me. And the days I can’t give you that will be hard, believe me my heart will be torn, it will ache for the fits of laughter from our tickling fights from when you were the littlest one, the only one, when all my time could be and was all yours. But let’s remember we have a new one to teach our wicked tickling skills to now, we have a new one to show our hiding places too. We will have a new one, we will be the three musketeers.
There’s a space in my heart where you will always be my littlest one, because that’s where you sat in my life for nearly 2.5 years, a special pocket just for you, my soon to be biggest one.
You, kidda’ are our auburn, blue eyed wonder and I am so excited that we get to share our world with somebody new.
A big change is coming, but it’s such a wonderful gift and we know you got this.
We got this.

I love you so much my sweet boy.
Mummy x


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