I’ve been meaning to write for while, I have got lots of things to blog about but I’m in the middle of trying to move house and I have recently started back at work.
I’m going to start with the work blog.
As a few of you know I left my job the week before I found out I was pregnant as I had planned to start teacher training. I found the motivation and drive to carry on with what I thought was going to be a brilliant venture and career change.
I’m not going to delve too much into my PGCE journey but what I will say is that it was the most time consuming, stressful, energy sucking job I have ever done. So, so much needs to change with our education system as there are brilliant, inspiring teachers out there been ran into the ground. They are working 60+ hours a week for very little gain. As a teacher you want children to excel, you want them to become enthused about a subject, you want them to find their passion. Unfortunately, it’s far too focused on targets and grades. When I left for maternity I decided that my teaching journey had come to an end.
I was left with the challenging task of trying to find a new job. I new that I didn’t want to work full time as I already dreaded the thought of leaving Archie just for a few hours. I was offered 3 jobs and took the one I was really excited it.
I had to start work when Archie was just seven and a half months old. My stomach was in knots at the thought of leaving him. I had ridiculous thoughts run through my mind like ‘what if he forgets who I am?’ ‘What if he starts to resent me for leaving him?’ ‘What if he gets upset and I’m not there to cuddle and reassure him?’
The thing is, I was just starting to get my shit together. I was starting to get the whole parenthood thing worked out – I was starting to really enjoy my maternity leave, we we going on adventures, we were meeting with friends, we were having fun. It was just me and you and everyday we conquered the new rising sun and we high fived the moon with a ‘well done!’
BOOM. Before I knew it my start date arrived and I cried as I handed you over to Nonna, a person I knew you loved so much and was worried you would love more than me as I left you.
(I was pretty impressed I was organised enough to have you ready for Nonna on time. (That was a high five me moment!))
I pulled myself together, got to work and was greeted by so many friendly faces and spent my first hour in the cafe with my job share having a coffee. I was having a hot coffee and some adult conversation.
As the days and weeks went on I started to find my feet more in the work place, yet each week as you grow and you become more aware of your being and the world around you, it becomes harder and harder to leave you. The day you screamed as I left broke my heart but I knew you would be fine and your day would be full of adventure. Just not with me.
You are such a sociable, inquisitive little boy and my heart is full to the brim with pride. I want you to know that I wasn’t ready to go back, my heart belonged with you, playing peek-a-boo, breathing in the fresh park air, feeding you on the park bench and staring at the sky.
There is never a perfect time to go back to work and I’m grateful for the days we have off together as we can still go on our adventures, we just cram them into a few days! I want you to be proud of me, I want you to know that I work to make sure you can have the life you deserve.
If you are going back to work soon, take some deep breaths, know that your baby won’t forget who you are, they won’t love you any less and they will greet you with a huge beaming smile when you get home.
I have already had a few breakdowns because I’ve missed Archie, but my manager is so understanding and has even set me up on some coffee dates with people in similar situations.
I like to think I am fairly career driven and it is alright to want to work when you have a baby, and it is ok to ‘have’ to work, and it’s perfectly fine not work. This is just one more ball you have to learn to juggle with in relation to family life and as my friend said, it’s just about adjusting to the new normal.
Working mums deserve medals! Geesh we get up, get ready for work, get a tiny human ready, feed ourselves and the tiny human, make sure the big human man is alright, rush out of the house and somehow manage to get to work on time! We are frickin superheroes, superman ain’t got a patch on us! I forgot to mention we also brush teeth, apply make up and deal with nappy explosions. Ok, so I do often leave the house smeared in snot or weetabix but I heard that’s the new trend!
At work I get to drink hot tea, eat my lunch at lunchtime and wee in peace. I do love my job, but I would choose the harder job any day. I have acquired a taste for cold tea.