Tonight I miss my youth.
I’m writing this through blurred, wet vision and a slightly alcohol fuelled mind. (Tonight I had my first drink in 18 months).
Tonight I am struggling. I left my boy to go to a different city to help celebrate my sisters 30th birthday. I was so excited that I could get dressed up. I could paint my nails, do my hair.
Tonight, I didn’t feel guilty about leaving you. I knew you would be fine and bedtime was shortly after me and your daddy had left.
I haven’t felt so glamorous in a long time, I felt good, I felt like I had my identity back, I wasn’t just a mummy.
Tonight I was Abbi.
It sounds awful, but I enjoyed myself so much that I wanted the minutes to become hours, I didn’t want to rush home. I enjoyed being Abbi.
If you read my first blog, you will know that pregnancy was a big shock for me, it altered my life (as it does to us all) in a huge way. I had to adjust to the fact that my career, my house, some of my plans had to be put on hold for a later date. I don’t for one second ever regret having you. You have altered my life in so many wonderful ways. At times, we all just need a little space. We need to remember who we are.
To many mums I’m known as Archie’s mum, which is amazing, but tonight, tonight I was Abbi and it felt good.
I enjoyed the loudness of the band deafening my ears. I enjoyed drinking prosecco and gin and tonic, I enjoyed being able to act carefree.
I wanted to dance and forgot my whole life for a little while. I enjoyed the conversations, the laughter, the adultness, the youth.
I cried on the way home. We had to leave after just a couple of hours due to childcare, but I wanted so desperately to stay. Just ten minutes more.
There was a gap in my heart as I was away from you and I missed you, of course I did, but I needed that space, even if it had just been me in that room, I needed to be let loose.
The guilt hangs around. Like a bad smell. When I got home, I came to check on you straight away, you were snoozing gently and I smiled softly, feeling bad about missing old times. But then I remembered, yes I am your mummy, and yes your are my number one priority, but I am also Abbi and to remain sane, to feel human, you have to make sure you don’t lose yourself.
I’ve felt lost a lot this year and I often still feel like I’m in the eye of a tornado, I’m still learning, still growing, still figuring out how to figure it out.
Please bare with me. Please know that I am trying my hardest and that you provide me with the most wonderful feeling in the world, but to be the best mummy I can be, I can’t afford to lose myself.
I miss the days I can’t get back, but the days of yesterday, I know, aren’t as exciting as the days of tomorrow.
My boy, you add a new layer to my identity, you have altered it, in an unexplainable way.